What’s the Number One Rule of Parenting? (Spoiler: It’s Not What the Books Say)
So my 8-year-old Jared just asked me why I’m “typing so loud” while baby Maddie is screaming in the background because she hates tummy time, and honestly? This feels like the perfect moment to write about parenting rules.
Because here’s the thing – I’ve read probably every parenting book on the planet. I’ve googled “how to get your toddler to stop licking the grocery cart” at 2am more times than I care to admit. I’ve asked my mom, my friends, random strangers at Target for advice. And you know what I’ve figured out after 8 years of this crazy job?
All those “rules” are basically useless.
The Rule That Actually Works
Want to know the only parenting rule that actually matters? Here it is: Love them hard and wing it.
That’s it. I’m not kidding.
I know, I know. That sounds way too simple, right? Where’s the 12-step program? Where are the charts and schedules and developmental milestones?
But seriously – kids need to know you’re crazy about them, and then they need you to figure it out as you go. Just like they are.
Why I Stopped Trying to Be a “Good” Parent
Last week Jared had a friend over and this kid goes, “Wow, your mom lets you eat cereal for breakfast AND dinner?” And I’m standing there like… yeah, buddy, some days we’re just surviving over here.
You know what though? Jared didn’t seem embarrassed. He just shrugged and said “My mom’s pretty cool.”
I used to stress about being the mom who meal preps on Sundays and has Pinterest-worthy lunchboxes. Now I’m the mom who sometimes forgets lunch money but always remembers to ask about his day. And honestly? He seems way happier with this version of me.
With Maddie being so little, I keep catching myself trying to do everything “right.” The right sleep schedule, the right toys, the right amount of tummy time (which she absolutely hates, by the way). But then I remember how much time I wasted with Jared worrying about stuff that didn’t matter.
She’s fed, she’s loved, she’s clean most of the time. That’s pretty much winning at this point.
The Day I Realized I Had No Idea What I Was Doing
Jared was about 4 when he asked me why some people don’t have homes. We were driving past a homeless camp, and I had approximately 3 seconds to figure out how to explain homelessness, poverty, mental illness, and addiction to a preschooler.
So I did what any mature, well-prepared parent would do. I panicked internally and said the first thing that came to mind: “Sometimes grown-ups have really hard problems that are tough to solve, and they need extra help.”
Not exactly eloquent, but you know what? We’ve been building on that conversation for years now. He asks questions, I answer as honestly as I can for his age, and sometimes I say “I don’t know, let’s find out together.”
Turns out kids don’t need you to have all the answers. They just need you to care enough to try.
When Your Kid Becomes Your Teacher
Here’s something nobody warns you about – your kids are going to call you out on everything. Jared has become my personal accountability coach, and he doesn’t even know it.
“Mom, you said we’d go to the park after my room was clean.” “Mom, you’re not listening – you’re looking at your phone.”
“Mom, you told me not to interrupt, but you just interrupted Dad.”
Little truth-telling machine, that kid.
At first it was annoying (okay, sometimes it’s still annoying), but mostly it’s made me a better person. Kids have this way of holding up a mirror to your behavior without even trying.
And with baby Maddie, I’m already seeing it. When I’m stressed and rushing around, she gets fussier. When I slow down and actually focus on her during feeding time, she’s calmer. Babies might not talk, but they’re definitely communicating.
The Hardest Thing About Parenting (It’s Not What You Think)
Everyone talks about the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the teenage years. And yeah, those are hard. But you know what’s actually the hardest part?
Letting them struggle.
Last month Jared was having trouble with this kid at school who kept taking his pencils. My first instinct was to march into that classroom and sort it out. But instead, I asked him what he thought he should do about it.
He came up with his own solution – he started bringing extra pencils and when the kid took one, he’d just pull out another. Eventually the kid got bored and moved on to someone else.
Was it the solution I would have picked? Nope. Did it work? Absolutely. Did Jared feel proud of himself for handling it? You bet.
I grabbed this book called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk after a friend recommended it, and it’s full of ideas like this – ways to help kids solve their own problems instead of jumping in to fix everything.
Screen Time, Vegetables, and Other Hills I’m Not Dying On
Can we talk about mom guilt for a second? Because it’s everywhere and it’s exhausting.
Jared watches YouTube. Sometimes for longer than the American Academy of Pediatrics would probably approve of. He also builds incredible Lego creations, reads above grade level, and asks thoughtful questions about the world.
I tried the “no screens during the week” thing. It lasted exactly 4 days and made everyone miserable. Now we have loose limits and I don’t stress about it.
Same with food. I keep healthy options around, I offer vegetables with dinner, and I don’t turn mealtime into a battle. Some days he eats great, some days he lives on string cheese and crackers. He’s growing and healthy, so we’re good.
With Maddie, I’m already trying to let go of the perfectionist stuff. I found The Baby Sleep Solution helpful for getting some kind of routine going, but I’m not militant about it. Some nights she sleeps great, some nights she doesn’t. We adapt.
What My Kids Have Actually Taught Me
Being Jared’s mom has taught me more about myself than any self-help book ever could. I’ve learned that I’m more patient than I thought, more creative than I knew, and way more capable of functioning on no sleep than should be humanly possible.
He’s also taught me that love isn’t just a feeling – it’s a choice you make every day. Even when he’s being a complete pain in the butt (which 8-year-old boys excel at), I choose to love him. And somehow that choice makes the feeling stronger.
With Maddie, I’m learning different lessons. How to be present in the moment because babies don’t care about your to-do list. How to communicate without words. How every kid is completely different and that’s exactly how it should be.
The Stuff That Actually Matters
You want to know what Jared talks about when he’s remembering good times? It’s never the expensive stuff or the perfectly planned activities.
He talks about the time we got caught in the rain walking home from school and splashed in every puddle. He talks about Saturday morning pancakes and how I let him flip them (and make a huge mess). He talks about the night the power went out and we played board games by flashlight.
None of that required a parenting manual or expert advice. It just required showing up and being willing to embrace the chaos.
Why I’m Done With Parenting Advice (Mostly)
I still read parenting articles sometimes, but now I take them with a huge grain of salt. Every kid is different. Every family is different. What works for your neighbor’s perfect little angel might be a complete disaster for your strong-willed tornado.
The Positive Discipline approach has been helpful because it focuses on understanding the kid instead of controlling the behavior. But even then, I take what works and leave the rest.
Trust me, I’ve tried following expert advice to the letter. Color-coded chore charts, elaborate reward systems, scheduled “quality time.” Most of it just made everyone stressed and took the fun out of being a family.
What I Want My Kids to Remember
I don’t need Jared and Maddie to remember having the most organized mom or the cleanest house or the most nutritious meals.
I want them to remember feeling safe to be themselves. I want them to remember laughing until their bellies hurt. I want them to remember that home was the place where they were loved no matter what.
I want them to grow up knowing they can handle hard things because they’ve seen me handle hard things (not perfectly, but with love and determination).
Most importantly, I want them to know that being human means messing up sometimes, and that’s not just okay – it’s normal.
The Real Truth About Parenting
Here’s what eight years of parenting has taught me: there is no perfect way to do this job. There are a million ways to screw it up and just as many ways to get it right.
Kids are resilient. They’re forgiving. They don’t need you to be perfect – they need you to be real.
They need you to love them when they’re sweet and snuggly, and they need you to love them when they’re testing every boundary you’ve ever set. They need you to celebrate their victories and comfort them through their defeats.
But mostly, they just need you to show up. Day after day, even when you’re tired, even when you don’t know what you’re doing, even when you’re pretty sure you’re messing it all up.
Because here’s the secret nobody tells you – we’re all just winging it. The parents who look like they have it all figured out? They’re googling “is it normal for my kid to eat dirt?” just like the rest of us.
So What’s the Real Rule?
Love them fiercely. Show up consistently. Apologize when you mess up. Celebrate the small wins. Let them see you figure things out as you go.
And remember – you’re the parent they need. Not the parent you think they deserve, not the parent you see on Instagram, not the parent your mom was or wishes she had been.
You. Exactly as you are, mistakes and all.
The other night Jared was helping me get Maddie ready for bed, and he said, “Mom, I hope I’m as good a parent as you when I grow up.”
I almost cried right there in the nursery. Not because I think I’m doing everything right, but because he thinks I am. And honestly? That’s enough.
That’s more than enough. That’s everything.
