So yesterday I’m in Target with both kids and Jared starts having this epic meltdown because I said no to some $20 toy he definitely doesn’t need. I’m talking full drama – tears, the works. Meanwhile Maddie’s getting fussy because it’s past her naptime and I’m just standing there like… why is this my life?
But instead of doing my usual thing (you know, the hissed “we’ll talk about this at home” while speed-walking to the car), I just sat down right there on the floor next to him.
“Dude, you’re really disappointed, huh?”
And he just… stopped. Like the crying literally stopped and he looked at me like I’d grown a second head.
“Yeah,” he said. “I really wanted it.”
“I get that. I hate when I want something and can’t have it too.”
We sat there for maybe two minutes just talking about how disappointing that feels. Then he got up, we finished shopping, and that was it. No tantrum, no punishment, no drama.
The mom next to us in the toy aisle literally whispered “how did you do that?”
Honestly? I have no freaking clue. But I think I might have accidentally figured something out.
I Was Doing Everything Wrong
Let me back up. Three years ago I was that mom. You know the one – always stressed, always yelling, always in some kind of power struggle with my kid. I had all these rules and consequences and charts on the wall and it was just… exhausting.
Jared was five and we were fighting about EVERYTHING. Getting dressed, eating breakfast, going to bed, you name it. I kept reading these parenting books that were like “be consistent! Set boundaries! Don’t give in!” And I’m thinking okay cool but WHY IS MY KID STILL A NIGHTMARE?
Then one day we’re fighting about him cleaning his room (again) and I’m doing my whole lecture thing and he just looks at me and goes “Mom why are you being so mean to me? I don’t know where my toys go.”
And I just… broke. Like actually started crying right there. Because he was right. I WAS being mean. If my friend came over and didn’t know where to put something away, would I yell at her? No! I’d probably help her figure it out and maybe make us some coffee.
But my own kid? Apparently I thought he deserved to be treated like garbage just because he’s little.
The Thing That Changed Everything
After that room-cleaning disaster I started paying attention to how I talked to Jared versus how I talked to literally everyone else. And oh my god you guys, it was bad.
I was nicer to the cashier at the grocery store than I was to my own child.
So I started this weird little experiment. Before I said anything to him, I’d think: would I say this to my sister? My friend? A coworker?
If the answer was no, I tried to find a different way to say it.
Instead of “Jared GET DRESSED NOW we’re going to be late!” it became “Hey bud, we need to leave in 10 minutes, what do you need help with?”
Instead of “You’re not listening!” it became “I don’t think I’m explaining this right, let me try again.”
Instead of “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal” it became “You’re really upset about this, huh?”
I felt like an idiot at first. Like, shouldn’t this be obvious? But apparently not because it completely changed our relationship.
What This Actually Looks Like Day to Day
Okay so this isn’t some magic cure-all that makes your kids perfect. Trust me. Yesterday Jared “forgot” to brush his teeth for the third day in a row and Maddie had one of those crying sessions where nothing helps and you just have to survive it.
But here’s what’s different now:
Mornings aren’t a war zone anymore. I used to wake up already stressed about getting everyone ready. Now I actually say good morning first. Revolutionary, I know. Sometimes I even ask how he slept before launching into the day’s agenda. Crazy concept.
Homework doesn’t make me want to drink wine at 4pm. Okay it still does sometimes but way less. Instead of hovering and correcting every little thing, I just sit nearby and let him work. When he gets stuck I ask stuff like “what part is tricky?” instead of just giving him the answer. Takes longer but way less fighting.
Bedtime isn’t this huge battle. We still have our routine but now if he says he’s not tired I’m like “okay your body might not be ready for sleep yet, but it’s time for quiet activities in your room.” Instead of “GO TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW.” Guess which one actually works?
With baby Maddie it’s different but same idea. When she’s crying and I can’t figure out why, instead of getting all panicked I just talk to her. “Okay sweet girl, something’s wrong and you’re trying to tell me. Let’s figure this out.” Sometimes I feel crazy talking to someone who just stares at me, but it keeps me calmer and I swear she settles faster.
When I Completely Screw This Up
Because let’s be real, there are still days when I’m tired and stressed and I completely forget to be a decent human being to my children.
Like last week when Jared spilled chocolate milk all over the couch I literally JUST cleaned. Did I calmly help him clean it up while validating his feelings? NOPE. I did that thing where you don’t yell but your face gets all tight and you talk through your teeth and your kid knows they’re in deep trouble.
He just stood there looking scared and I felt like such an ass.
So later I apologized. Just like I would to anyone else I was rude to when I was having a bad day. I told him I was frustrated about the couch but it wasn’t okay for me to make him feel bad about an accident.
“It’s okay Mom,” he said. “Everyone gets grumpy sometimes.”
This kid is literally more mature than I am.
The Stuff That Actually Helps
Beyond just “don’t be a jerk to your children” (which should be obvious but apparently wasn’t to me), here are some actual things that help:
Books that didn’t make me feel worse about myself:
- The Whole-Brain Child – explains why kids do weird things instead of just telling you to stop them
- How to Talk So Kids Will Listen – gives you actual words to use when you’re stuck
Random stuff from Amazon that saves my sanity:
- Visual timers so he can see how much time is left for things
- Those puzzles that tell you if you did it right so I don’t have to check everything
- Seriously good washable markers after the Great Wall Incident of 2023
Free things that help:
- Actually listening when they talk instead of half-listening while checking my phone
- Asking “how can I help?” more than “why didn’t you…?”
- Remembering that they’re learning EVERYTHING for the first time
People Think I’m Crazy
Some people think this makes me a pushover parent who’s raising spoiled brats.
Uh, no. My kid still has rules and consequences and responsibilities. The difference is I treat him like a person while enforcing them instead of like an enemy who needs to be defeated.
And you know what? The kid who gets treated with respect at home? He’s the one helping new kids at school and standing up for kids getting picked on. He’s learning that people – all people – deserve basic human decency.
Shocking concept, I know.
What I’m Still Figuring Out
Look, I don’t have this all figured out. Jared’s eight and half the time I still have no idea what I’m doing. With Maddie I’m basically just trying not to mess her up from day one.
But here’s what I know: every single interaction with my kids either builds trust or breaks it down a little. Every time I dismiss their feelings or bark orders or treat them like they’re just there to inconvenience me, I’m teaching them that’s how relationships work.
And I don’t want them to think that’s normal.
When Jared’s a teenager (god help me) I want him to actually talk to me about stuff. When he’s an adult I want him to call because he wants to, not because he feels obligated.
With Maddie, even though she’s tiny, I’m already thinking about what I want her to learn about herself and relationships. Do I want her to think her needs don’t matter? That she has to earn basic respect? Hell no.
Starting Small
If you’re reading this thinking “okay but my kid is literally a terrorist and this sounds impossible” – I get it. Start with one thing.
Maybe it’s just pausing for two seconds before you react to ask yourself “how would I want someone to handle this with me?”
Maybe it’s saying “good morning” before “hurry up and get ready.”
Maybe it’s just remembering that your kid is a whole person with thoughts and feelings, not just a tiny human whose job it is to make your life easier.
It’s not rocket science but it’s also not easy because we’re all tired and stressed and sometimes our kids are genuinely being ridiculous.
But most of the time? They’re just being kids. And they deserve to be treated like they matter.
The Real Deal
This isn’t about being perfect or having perfect kids. God knows we’re nowhere close to that over here. It’s about remembering that the little people living in our houses are actually people.
Some days I nail this. Some days I’m a disaster. But every day we get to try again and that feels like enough.
My house still gets messy, my kids still fight sometimes, and I still have days where I wonder what the hell I’m doing. But most of the time now it feels like we’re on the same team instead of constantly fighting each other.
And honestly? That’s all I really wanted anyway.
Tell me I’m not the only one who used to yell at their kids about stuff that wasn’t even their fault? Please say you’ve been there too because I still feel guilty about some of my early parenting moments…
