Is my parenting hurting my child?

What Even Is Toxic Parenting Anyway?

So after falling down the internet rabbit hole (thanks insomnia), apparently toxic parenting isn’t about having bad days. Thank god, because I have like three of those per week minimum.

It’s more about patterns. Like, consistently doing things that mess with your kid’s head and self-worth. Making them feel unsafe, unloved, or like they can never do anything right.

I think about my friend Sarah – we grew up together and her mom was… a lot. Nothing Sarah did was ever good enough. She got straight A’s but her mom would focus on the one B+. She made the volleyball team and her mom complained she wasn’t starting. Sarah’s 35 now and still apologizes for everything, even when she’s done nothing wrong.

That’s what I’m talking about. Not the occasional parenting fail, but the constant message that you’re not enough.

The Stuff That Really Screws Kids Up

Here’s what I’ve figured out from my late-night research sessions (and honestly, looking back at my own childhood):

Using Fear Instead of Teaching

Some parents rule through intimidation. Kids behave because they’re terrified, not because they understand why something matters.

Like Kevin at soccer. His kid’s not going to suddenly get better at soccer because he’s scared of his dad. He’s just going to associate sports – and probably everything else – with anxiety and shame.

When Jared messes up, I try to remember he’s still learning. Last month he left his bike in the driveway and it got run over by the garbage truck. Instead of screaming (which was my first instinct), we talked about why we put things away and he had to save his allowance to help pay for a new one.

Was I annoyed? Hell yes. But he learned something besides “Dad gets scary when I make mistakes.”

Making Everything About Control

These parents need to control every single thing their kid does, says, thinks, feels. The kid has zero autonomy or room to be their own person.

I see this at school pickup sometimes. This one mom micromanages every aspect of her daughter’s day – what she wears, who she talks to, how she does her homework, even what she thinks about things. The kid is like a little robot.

Don’t get me wrong, kids need boundaries. Jared can’t just do whatever he wants whenever he wants. But there’s a difference between structure and control.

Playing Mind Games

This one’s sneaky because it can look caring on the surface. But it’s stuff like:

• Making kids feel responsible for their parent’s emotions
• Using guilt and shame as primary discipline tools
• Emotional blackmail (“If you loved me you wouldn’t…”)
• Gaslighting (making kids question their own reality)

I caught myself doing this once. Jared was being a pain about bedtime and I said “You’re making Mommy very sad.” Later I was like… wait. That’s not fair. My emotions aren’t his job. He’s 8.

Now when he’s pushing limits I try to stay factual: “Bedtime is 8:30 whether you’re happy about it or not.”

Never Being There Emotionally

Some parents just… aren’t available when their kids need them. Maybe they’re dealing with their own stuff, maybe they think emotions are weakness, or maybe they just don’t know how.

This hits me hard because I grew up with a mom who struggled with depression. When I was upset or scared, she often couldn’t help because she was barely keeping her own head above water.

I’m trying to do better with my kids. When Jared comes to me upset about something, I put my phone down and actually listen. Even with Maddie – when she’s crying at 3 AM and I want to lose my mind, I remind myself she’s not trying to mess with me. She needs something.

Perfectionism and Impossible Standards

These parents expect their kids to be perfect at everything – grades, sports, behavior, appearance. Nothing is ever good enough.

God, I see this everywhere. Kids who are genuinely talented but their parents focus on every tiny mistake. These kids grow up thinking they’re failures even when they’re actually killing it.

I’m trying to praise Jared’s effort more than his results. When he brings home a test, I ask how he felt about his preparation, not just about the grade.

What This Actually Does to Kids Long-Term

The research on this is heartbreaking. Kids who grow up with toxic parents often end up with:

• Terrible self-esteem (they genuinely believe they’re worthless)
• Trust issues (if you can’t trust your parents, who can you trust?)
• Anxiety and depression
• Relationship problems as adults
• Either becoming total people-pleasers or having major anger issues

When I think about Jared’s future relationships, or imagine Maddie as an adult, I want them to feel worthy of love and capable of healthy connections. The way I parent them now is literally shaping their inner voice for life.

No pressure though, right?

My Own Reality Check Moments

I’m not writing this as some perfect parent who has it all figured out. I’m writing this as someone who’s made mistakes and is trying to learn from them.

A couple months ago I had what I call my “holy crap I’m becoming my mother” moment. Jared was having one of those days where he argued about EVERYTHING. Homework, dinner, putting on pajamas – you name it, he had an opinion about it.

I’d been up half the night with Maddie teething, I was running on maybe four hours of sleep and pure caffeine, and I just… lost it. I said things like “You’re impossible to deal with” and “I can’t handle you when you act like this.”

He went to his room crying and I sat there feeling like the worst human alive. I realized I’d been attacking who he is instead of addressing what he was doing. And honestly? The kid was probably just as tired and overwhelmed as I was.

The next morning I apologized. Not a crappy “I’m sorry you got upset” apology, but a real one. I told him I had big feelings and handled them badly, and that wasn’t his fault.

He said “It’s okay Mom, everyone makes mistakes.” Which honestly made me cry because that’s exactly what I want him to believe about himself.

Books That Actually Helped (And Aren’t Total BS)

After my wake-up call I went on a parenting book spree. Most were garbage, but a few actually changed how I think about this stuff:

The Whole-Brain Child explains why kids do the things they do in terms of brain development. Like when Jared melts down about something small, it’s not manipulation – his brain literally can’t handle big emotions yet.

No-Drama Discipline is about discipline that teaches instead of punishes. Game changer.

Parenting from the Inside Out made me look at my own childhood baggage and how it affects my parenting. Painful but necessary.

What I’m Trying to Do Differently

Knowing this stuff doesn’t automatically make you better at it. Changing ingrained habits is hard as hell.

I Take Care of Myself First

This felt selfish at first but I can’t pour from an empty cup. I ask for help now. My husband does bedtime sometimes so I can shower alone. I have a sitter come once a week so I can grocery shop without someone hanging off my leg.

When I’m not completely fried, I’m way more patient.

I Apologize When I Screw Up

This was big for me. Growing up, adults never admitted mistakes. But I want my kids to learn that everyone messes up and owning it is actually brave.

When I lose my temper or handle something poorly, I apologize to Jared for real. He’s learning that mistakes don’t make you a bad person.

I’m Learning What’s Actually Normal

Turns out half the stuff that was making me crazy about Jared is totally normal for his age. Eight-year-olds are supposed to test boundaries and have big feelings about small things.

What to Expect the Toddler Years saved my sanity when he was little. The 5 Love Languages of Children helped me understand how he shows and receives love.

I Get Support

Parenting is lonely as hell, especially when you’re trying to break generational patterns. I’ve found other parents to talk to, joined some groups, and honestly started therapy to work through my own stuff.

Having people who get it makes all the difference.

The Daily Struggle of Trying to Do Better

Last week Jared had a complete meltdown because I said no to a sleepover on a school night. Full tears, “you’re the meanest mom ever,” the whole show.

Old me would have said something like “You’re being ridiculous” or “Stop acting like a baby.”

New me tried to validate his feelings while keeping the boundary: “You’re really disappointed about missing the sleepover. I totally get that. And we still can’t do sleepovers on school nights.”

He was still upset but calmed down way faster than when I used to dismiss his feelings.

With Maddie it’s different since she’s still tiny. It means responding to crying with curiosity instead of frustration. When she’s fussy I try to think “What is she trying to tell me?” instead of “Why won’t you just stop?”

Why This Keeps Me Up at Night

When I tuck Jared in, we share the best and worst parts of our day. The fact that he trusts me with his real feelings – the happy stuff and the scary stuff – feels huge.

And looking at Maddie, knowing I’m literally shaping how she’ll see herself and relationships for her whole life? That’s terrifying and motivating at the same time.

Other Stuff That’s Helped

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was brutal to read but helped me understand patterns from my own childhood.

The Conscious Parent made me examine my own triggers and reactions.

But honestly, other parents have been just as helpful as any book. Having someone say “Yeah this is hard and you’re doing your best” makes a huge difference.

The Real Talk

I’m not writing this as an expert. I’m writing as a mom who’s trying to do better, who messes up regularly but keeps trying to learn.

The difference between having bad parenting moments and being toxic comes down to patterns and self-awareness. We all lose our shit sometimes. But are we taking responsibility? Are we trying to do better? Are we prioritizing our kids’ emotional well-being?

If you’re even asking these questions, you’re probably not toxic.

Jared told me yesterday that he likes that I say sorry when I make mistakes because “it shows you’re trying your best but you’re not perfect.” That might be the best thing anyone’s ever said about my parenting.

This stuff is messy and hard and there’s no instruction manual. But our kids deserve parents who are willing to look at themselves honestly and keep trying to do better.

And maybe we can break some cycles and give them better than what we had. At least that’s what I’m hoping for at 1:47 AM with mac and cheese on my pajamas.