What are the 5 principles of positive parenting?

Why I Had to Change Something (Because What I Was Doing Sucked)

Look, I love my kids to pieces, but there was a point where I realized I didn’t actually like spending time with them. How awful is that? Every interaction felt like a battle. Jared would ask for something, I’d say no, he’d push back, I’d get frustrated, and we’d spiral into this whole thing.

I was constantly saying “stop,” “don’t,” “how many times do I have to tell you.” My poor kid probably thought his name was “Jared-stop-that.” And honestly? I was miserable. He was miserable. My husband would come home to find us both in tears half the time.

My sister, bless her, finally said something. Not mean, just honest. She was like “Sarah, you seem really stressed with the kids lately. Have you ever heard of positive parenting?” I was like no, but it sounds like some crunchy granola thing that won’t work with my strong-willed tornado child.

But when you’re desperate, you’ll try anything. So I started reading some books, joined Facebook groups, watched YouTube videos at 2 AM while Maddie was cluster feeding. And slowly – I mean SLOWLY – things started changing.

What This Positive Parenting Thing Actually Is

First off, it’s not what I thought. I initially tried being all permissive like “sure honey, eat ice cream for breakfast” because I thought positive meant never saying no. That lasted about three days before chaos took over.

Positive parenting is more like… treating your kids like actual people instead of tiny inmates you’re trying to control. It’s understanding that when they’re acting up, there’s usually a reason that makes sense to them, even if it seems ridiculous to us adults.

It doesn’t mean you don’t have rules. We still have rules. Lots of them. But now Jared understands why they exist instead of just following them because I’m bigger than him.

Thing #1: Actually Pay Attention to Your Kid (Revolutionary, I Know)

This sounds so obvious but hear me out. How often are you really, actually listening when your kid talks? Not thinking about dinner or checking your phone or planning tomorrow’s schedule. Just listening.

I started doing this thing where when Jared gets home from school, we sit at the counter with some crackers and I just listen. Really listen. Some days he tells me about recess drama that sounds like international politics. Other days he explains Minecraft for twenty minutes and I pretend to understand what a creeper is.

But here’s the magic – when kids feel heard, they stop trying so hard to get your attention in annoying ways. Jared used to interrupt constantly because he never felt like he had my full attention. Now that he knows he’ll get it, he’s way more patient.

Last week he came home upset because his friend Lucas said he didn’t want to play with him anymore. Old me might’ve said “kids are mean sometimes, you’ll make other friends.” New me sat down and really listened. Turns out Lucas was moving and was sad about leaving, so he was pushing friends away. We talked through how to handle it, and Jared felt so much better.

With Maddie, this looks different but it’s still important. I talk to her constantly – narrating diaper changes, responding to her babbles like we’re having deep conversations. My husband thinks I’m nuts but whatever, she seems to love it.

There’s this book called “The Power of Showing Up” that really helped me understand why this connection thing matters so much. You can grab it on Amazon if you want to dig deeper into the science behind it all.

Thing #2: Stop Dismissing Their Feelings (Even the Dramatic Ones)

Oh my GOD, this was hard for me. Jared would have a complete meltdown because his sandwich was cut wrong or because we had to leave the playground, and I’d be like “you’re being ridiculous, it’s just a sandwich.”

But then I realized – to him, it’s NOT just a sandwich. In his world, that triangle vs. rectangle cut actually matters. His disappointment about leaving the playground is real, even if we were only there for an hour.

Now when he’s upset, I try to acknowledge it first before fixing anything. “You’re really disappointed your tower fell down. You worked so hard on it.” Just that acknowledgment often helps him calm down faster than trying to immediately cheer him up or minimize his feelings.

This doesn’t mean I give in to everything. If he’s mad we have to leave the playground, I’ll validate the feeling but we still leave. “I can see you’re really upset about leaving. It’s hard when fun time ends. We need to go pick up Maddie now, but we can come back tomorrow.”

Sometimes I mess this up and go straight to “stop whining” mode. When I catch myself, I’ll backtrack. “Sorry buddy, I can see you’re really frustrated. Tell me what’s wrong.”

The book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk” is like a cheat sheet for this stuff. It gives you actual words to use, which was super helpful when I was trying to break old habits.

Thing #3: Have Rules That Make Sense (Not Just Because You Said So)

I used to have rules for EVERYTHING. Don’t touch this, don’t sit there, don’t look at me wrong (okay not that last one but close). Half our rules were really just about making my life easier, not about teaching Jared anything important.

So we simplified. Now our big rules are about safety, treating people kindly, and taking care of our stuff. That’s mostly it. I stopped micromanaging every little thing.

But here’s the key – I explain WHY rules exist. Instead of “don’t jump on the couch because I said so,” it’s “we don’t jump on furniture because someone could get hurt and it might break our couch.” Jared’s way more likely to follow rules when he understands them.

My husband and I had to get on the same page about this, which took some time. We literally sat down and talked about what was actually important to us vs. what we were enforcing just out of habit.

The consistency thing is huge though. We can’t have different rules at mom’s house vs. dad’s house. Kids need to know what to expect.

“No-Drama Discipline” by Daniel Siegel really helped me figure out how to have boundaries without turning everything into World War III. It’s all about staying calm and connected even when you’re enforcing limits.

Thing #4: Figure Out the Real Problem First

This changed everything for us. When Jared acts out now, instead of immediately going to consequences, I try to figure out what’s really going on first.

Like last month, he was being super defiant about homework. Normally I would’ve started taking away privileges. Instead I asked what was making homework feel so hard. Turns out he was worried about this kid in his class who’d been teasing him, and he couldn’t concentrate. Once we talked through that situation, homework became much easier.

Most of the time when kids are “being difficult,” there’s something else going on. They’re hungry, tired, overwhelmed, or dealing with some big feeling they don’t know how to handle.

This doesn’t mean bad behavior gets ignored. But if I can address what’s causing it, I usually don’t need big consequences anyway.

With Maddie, this means trying to figure out why she’s fussy instead of just bouncing her around hoping she stops crying. Is she hungry? Wet? Overstimulated? Taking a second to think about it usually gets us to a solution faster.

Thing #5: Let Them Figure Some Stuff Out Themselves

This one’s hard because I love my kids and want to save them from everything. But I was rescuing Jared from every tiny challenge, and it wasn’t helping him build confidence.

Now when he’s struggling with something, I resist the urge to immediately jump in. If he’s having trouble with homework, instead of giving him the answer, I might ask questions that help him think it through.

Last week he was frustrated trying to build this Lego creation that wasn’t working how he wanted. I was ready to help, but instead I said “that looks frustrating. What do you think might work differently?” He ended up figuring out this creative solution that was actually cooler than what he originally planned.

I also try to praise effort instead of just results. Instead of “you’re so smart” when he does well on a test, I’ll say something like “I can see how much you studied for this” or “your hard work really paid off.”

The book “Mindset” by Carol Dweck totally changed how I think about this stuff. It’s not just parenting advice – it applies to everything in life.

With Maddie, this means giving her time to work on rolling over or reaching for toys before I help. Not letting her get truly frustrated, but giving her space to figure things out.

What This Actually Looks Like in Real Life

Our mornings used to be awful. I’d be nagging Jared about everything – brush your teeth, get dressed, eat your breakfast, find your backpack. Now he has a checklist and gets to check things off himself. He loves that independence and I love not being the morning nag monster.

Bedtime used to be a battle too. Now we have this routine where we read together and talk about our day. It’s actually become my favorite part of the day instead of something I dreaded.

When conflicts happen, I try to stay calm. I take a breath, get down to his level, and listen first. This doesn’t prevent all meltdowns, but they’re usually shorter and less intense.

The Days When It All Goes to Hell

Let’s be real – we still have terrible days. Days when Jared pushes every single button, when Maddie won’t stop crying, when I yell and feel like the worst mom ever.

Last week I totally lost it because Jared was dawdling getting ready for school and we were already late. I snapped and said some things I wish I hadn’t. But you know what? Later I apologized. I told him I was feeling stressed about being late, but that wasn’t his fault and I should’ve handled it better.

The difference now is that the bad days are the exception instead of the rule. And when they happen, I don’t beat myself up as much. Tomorrow’s always a chance to try again.

Practical Stuff That Helped

If you’re thinking “this sounds great but where do I even start,” here’s what worked for us:

Pick ONE thing to focus on for a few weeks. Don’t try to change everything at once because you’ll drive yourself crazy.

Join some Facebook groups where parents talk honestly about struggles, not just post perfect pictures. I found so much support from other moms figuring this out too.

Don’t be afraid to apologize to your kids when you mess up. I’ve said “I’m sorry I yelled earlier” more times than I want to admit, but it’s teaching Jared that everyone makes mistakes and relationships can be repaired.

Read some books if that’s your thing, but don’t feel like you need to become an expert. Start with what feels manageable.

Why It’s Worth the Effort

Here’s what I’ve noticed after doing this for a couple years: Jared comes to me with problems instead of acting out. He’s more empathetic with friends and gentle with Maddie. He sees mistakes as learning opportunities instead of reasons to feel ashamed.

Our house feels calmer most of the time. We actually enjoy each other’s company now. Jared and I have real conversations instead of just me telling him what to do all the time.

With Maddie, I’m excited to see how starting with this approach from the beginning will shape our relationship. She’s still tiny but she seems more secure and content.

The Bottom Line

Look, I’m not a parenting expert. I’m just a mom who was tired of feeling like I was failing at the most important job I’ll ever have. These aren’t revolutionary ideas – they’re just things that worked for our family.

If you’re stuck in negative patterns with your kids, it can get better. You don’t need to be perfect, and you don’t need to change everything overnight. Just start where you are and take it one day at a time.

Our kids are watching how we handle frustration, conflict, and mistakes. Let’s show them that love and patience are always possible, even when things get hard.

And hey, if this formerly yelling, control-freak mom can figure it out, I promise you can too.