What are the 4 types of parenting styles?

Turns Out There Are Only Four Ways to Wing This

So get this – some researcher lady in the 60s basically watched a bunch of families and was like “Yep, there are four types of parents.” Four! That’s it!

She figured out it all comes down to two things:

1. Are you the huggy “let’s talk about feelings” parent or more like “life’s tough, deal with it”?
2. Are you rule-crazy or do you just let them figure it out?

And somehow every parent falls into one of four buckets. Which honestly makes me feel better because at least I’m not the only one making it up as I go.

The Four Types (Or: How We’re All Just Guessing)

The “Pinterest Perfect” Parent (Authoritative)

This is supposedly what we should all be. You know – warm but not a pushover. Rules but with explanations. The parent who never yells and always has time for deep conversations about why we can’t eat cookies for breakfast.

I TRY to be this parent. I really do. Like when Jared doesn’t want to clean his room (which is literally every day), I sit on his bed and we talk about why it matters. “See buddy, when your room is clean, you can find your stuff easier, and Mommy doesn’t step on LEGOs barefoot at 6 AM and say bad words.”

And sometimes? It actually works! He’ll nod and start picking up his toys, and I’ll think “Holy shit, I’m actually good at this!”

But let’s be real – this takes FOREVER. And some days I just want him to clean his damn room without a 45-minute philosophical discussion about personal responsibility.

Plus, try explaining the logic behind rules to a teething baby. “Maddie, we don’t bite Mommy’s shoulder because it hurts and also you don’t have teeth yet so it’s just weird gumming action.”

The Drill Sergeant (Authoritarian)

Oh man, this was my dad. Rules everywhere, no questions, end of story.

“Why can’t I stay up late?” “Because I said so.” “But-” “Did I stutter?”

I swore I’d never be like this. SWORE. And then life happens and suddenly you’re running late for school AGAIN because your kid insists on examining every interesting rock on the sidewalk, and you just SNAP.

“JARED! MOVE YOUR ASS! WE’RE LEAVING RIGHT NOW!”

(Yes, I said ass. Sue me. He’s heard worse at school.)

Does it work? Sure. He gets in the car. But then I spend the whole drive feeling like shit while he sits there silent, probably thinking “Wow, Mom’s lost it again.”

The thing about being the dictator is your kids stop talking to you. They learn that their thoughts don’t matter and questioning anything means trouble. And then they either become doormats or go completely insane the second they get some freedom.

The Buddy (Permissive)

This was totally me when Jared was little. I just wanted him to be happy, you know? Seeing him upset made me physically uncomfortable, so I’d cave on pretty much everything.

“Can I have ice cream for breakfast?” “Well… it has calcium…”

“Can I stay up past bedtime?” “Just this once.” (Which turned into every night for three months.)

“Can we buy this $30 toy I’ll play with for five minutes?” “I mean, if it makes you happy…”

Here’s what nobody warns you about being the “fun” parent: your kids become tiny terrorists. Because if there are no real boundaries, they’ll keep pushing until they find one. And when they never find it? They get anxious as hell.

I’ll never forget the Great Target Meltdown of 2019. Jared was six and I said no to some overpriced piece of plastic. But since I usually said yes to everything, his little brain couldn’t compute. Full nuclear meltdown in the toy aisle. I’m talking on-the-floor, screaming like I was murdering him.

Some lady walked by and gave me THE LOOK. You know the one. The “control your spawn” look.

That night I realized I’d screwed up. This kid had no idea how to handle disappointment because I never let him BE disappointed.

So I started saying no. Holy hell, it was rough. Tears, tantrums, accusations that I didn’t love him anymore. But after a few weeks? He was actually happier. Like he finally knew where the fence was.

The Ghost (Neglectful)

This one breaks my heart because it’s usually not intentional. These parents are just… drowning. Working multiple jobs, dealing with depression, completely overwhelmed with their own shit.

I see it sometimes at school pickup. Kids who seem to raise themselves. Nobody checking if they did homework or asking how their day went.

It’s not that these parents don’t love their kids. They’re just barely keeping their own heads above water, and there’s nothing left for anyone else.

But kids need BOTH love AND guidance. When they get neither, they basically have to figure out life by themselves, which is terrifying when you’re eight.

Baby vs. Big Kid – Completely Different Games

Nobody tells you this, but parenting a baby is nothing like parenting an older kid. It’s like they hand you a goldfish and then three years later expect you to train a dolphin.

Maddie: All Instinct, Zero Logic

With Maddie, I’m basically just trying to decode her needs and not lose my sanity. Crying = hungry, tired, poopy, or “the world is slightly different than I expected and therefore everything is terrible.”

People are like “Don’t hold her too much!” but honestly? You can’t spoil a baby by meeting their needs. That’s literally how they learn the world isn’t going to kill them.

My current survival kit:

• Baby monitor that doesn’t make me paranoid (these don’t suck too bad)
• Books she can’t destroy (cardboard is your friend)
• Chair that won’t cripple me during 3 AM feeds (seriously, splurge on this)

The only “rules” are safety stuff. Don’t eat dog food. Don’t lick electrical outlets. Don’t try to swan dive off the changing table.

Jared: The Question Machine

Jared wants to understand EVERYTHING. Which is cool in theory but exhausting in practice.

“Why do I have to brush my teeth?” “So they don’t fall out.” “But what if I like having no teeth?” “You need teeth to eat food.” “What if I only eat soup?” “You can’t live on soup forever.” “But what if-” “JUST BRUSH YOUR DAMN TEETH!”

And then I feel bad because he’s just trying to understand his world, and “because I said so” teaches him exactly nothing.

But also, can we PLEASE just do basic hygiene without a dissertation on dental health?

When I DO explain stuff, he’s way more cooperative. It just takes so much energy, and sometimes I want him to put on pants without a philosophical debate about clothing.

Stuff that helps with older kids:

• Organization systems that don’t look babyish (planners for kids who think they’re too cool)
• Games that make learning not torture (educational stuff that’s actually fun)
• Books about feelings and friend drama (emotional intelligence for dummies)

Plot Twist: I Change Parenting Styles Every Five Minutes

Real talk? I don’t stick to one way of parenting. Some mornings I’m Patient Understanding Mom. By afternoon I’m Drill Sergeant Mom. By bedtime I’m Whatever Makes This End Mom.

Tuesday was a perfect example. Started great – made heart-shaped pancakes, everyone was happy, felt like I had this mom thing figured out.

Then Jared spilled syrup on his last clean shirt five minutes before school. Maddie chose that exact moment for a category-5 diaper explosion. And suddenly I’m in full crisis mode.

“New shirt! NOW! Where are your shoes? We’re leaving in 30 seconds and I swear to God if you make us late again…”

Got to school feeling like the worst mom ever. But you know what? Sometimes you’re just trying to survive the moment, and survival mode is a valid parenting strategy.

That afternoon when Jared came home upset about recess drama, I was back to being Therapist Mom. Because that’s what he needed right then.

I think the goal isn’t perfection. It’s being intentional most of the time and apologizing when you screw up.

Why We Parent Like We Do

Our parenting style comes from all kinds of random stuff:

How we grew up: I’m either copying my parents exactly or doing the complete opposite. My mom worried about everything, so sometimes I swing too far the other way and act like nothing is dangerous. Neither extreme is great.

Our kids: Jared is sensitive and needs lots of explanation. I’m guessing Maddie will be totally different and I’ll have to figure out a whole new approach.

Life chaos: When work is insane, when I haven’t slept, when everything feels like it’s on fire – I definitely don’t parent well. Some days keeping everyone alive is the only goal.

Everyone else: Other families, social media, what we think “good parenting” looks like – it all messes with our heads about what we’re supposed to be doing.

Trying Not to Completely Mess This Up

If you’re reading this thinking “Oh shit, I’m definitely ruining my kids,” breathe. The fact that you’re worried probably means you’re doing better than you think.

Here’s what’s helped me suck less:

Being warmer:

• Actually listening when they talk instead of pretending while I check my phone
• Saying “That sucks” instead of immediately trying to fix everything
• Doing fun stuff together even when my to-do list is miles long

Better boundaries:

• Figuring out what actually matters (safety, not being an asshole) vs. what’s just me being controlling (perfectly made beds)
• Actually following through on consequences instead of making empty threats
• Letting them have opinions on some family stuff

Random stuff that helps:

• Parenting books that don’t make me feel like garbage (these are okay)
• Talking to other parents who are also just winging it
• Taking breaks (yes, even if it’s hiding in the pantry eating crackers)

The Big Picture (When I Can See It Through the Chaos)

Here’s what I try to remember during the complete shitshows: it’s not about being perfect every day. It’s about the overall vibe over time.

One terrible morning doesn’t break your kid. Losing your temper doesn’t make you a monster. Being too lenient because you’re exhausted doesn’t mean you have no standards.

What matters is that MOST of the time, you’re showing up with love and trying to help them not be terrible humans.

I think about who I want Jared and Maddie to be as adults. Confident but not jerks. Independent but still wanting to hang out with family. Able to handle disappointment without falling apart. Knowing they’re loved no matter what, but also that being a dick has consequences.

Some days I feel like I’m nailing it. Other days I wonder if I should have gotten a cat instead. Most days are somewhere in between.

What I’ve Figured Out So Far (Which Isn’t Much)

Having these two has taught me there’s no secret formula. What works for one kid backfires with the other. What works today might be a disaster tomorrow.

But knowing about these parenting styles gives me something to think about when I’m not sure what the hell I’m doing. When I catch myself being too much of a dictator or too much of a pushover, I can step back and ask “What does this actually need?”

Usually the answer is love with some boundaries. Warmth with expectations. Understanding with consistency.

Easy? Hell no. Worth it? Most days, yeah.

And when I feel like I’m completely bombing at this whole parenting thing? Tomorrow’s a fresh start. Kids bounce back surprisingly well when they know you love them, and sometimes the best thing you can do is say “Mommy messed up, sorry” and try again.

Because honestly? We’re all just making it up as we go and hoping we don’t completely screw up these tiny humans we’re responsible for.

And maybe that’s the best any of us can do.

So what about you? Do you see yourself in any of these? Do you switch between all four depending on how much coffee you’ve had? Tell me I’m not the only one hiding in pantries and googling parenting advice at midnight.