How to discipline a child?

That One Time I Totally Lost It (And Everything Changed)

Picture this mess: Target, Tuesday afternoon, both kids cranky because I dragged them grocery shopping instead of going to the park like I promised. Jared sees those stupid $15 toy cars and starts begging. I say no. He asks why. I explain we don’t have money for toys today. He asks why again. And again. And AGAIN.

Meanwhile Maddie is screaming in the cart because she dropped her pacifier and apparently the world is ending. Other shoppers are staring. I’m sweating through my shirt. Jared escalates to full meltdown mode – throwing himself on the dirty Target floor like he’s auditioning for a soap opera.

So what does super-mom me do? I completely lose my shit. Start hissing threats through gritted teeth. “If you don’t get up RIGHT NOW we’re leaving and you’re going straight to your room and no TV for a WEEK and I’m calling Daddy…”

Yeah. That worked great. He screamed louder. I felt like the worst human alive. Some judgmental mom walked by and whispered loud enough for me to hear, “I would never let MY child act like that.”

I wanted to disappear into the floor.

But then this older guy – probably a grandpa – came over and said to Jared, “Hey buddy, looks like you’re having some big feelings. Sometimes I feel frustrated in stores too.” Then he looked at me and just nodded like “you got this, mama.”

I almost cried right there between the diapers and baby food.

That night after the kids were finally asleep, I sat in my car in the driveway and called my mom crying. “I don’t know what I’m doing! I’m ruining them! I yelled at a 3-year-old in Target!”

She laughed. Not mean laughing, but that knowing mom laugh. “Honey, I once left you and your brother at Kmart. Just walked out. Your dad had to come get you because I was so overwhelmed.”

“You LEFT us?!”

“For like ten minutes. In the toy section. You were fine. My point is, we’ve all been there.”

That was when I realized maybe I wasn’t the worst mom ever. Maybe this was just… hard. And maybe instead of trying to be perfect, I needed to figure out what actually worked for MY kids.

Baby Discipline is Fake (Don’t @ Me)

Can we just be honest about something? You cannot discipline a baby. Anyone who tells you different is selling something or has forgotten what babies are actually like.

Maddie is 15 months old now and her idea of fun is emptying my purse, putting socks in the dog’s water bowl, and screaming at volumes that probably violate noise ordinances. She’s not being bad. She’s being a tiny human whose brain is basically like “MUST EXPLORE EVERYTHING WITH MOUTH AND HANDS.”

When she throws food off her high chair (every. single. meal), she’s not trying to make me mad. She’s learning about gravity and probably thinking “wow this is AWESOME, watch mom’s face when I do it again!”

The only thing that sort of works is being boring about it. Food gets thrown? I pick it up without making a big deal. She pulls my hair? I move her hands away and say “ouch, gentle” in the most monotone voice possible. Do I want to scream? Sometimes. Do I? Well… not usually.

The real trick with babies is not setting yourself up for disaster. Maddie gets hangry at 11 AM every day like clockwork. So guess when I don’t schedule errands? 11 AM. Revolutionary thinking, right?

Also, childproofing is your friend. I got so tired of saying “no no no” all day that I just moved everything she wasn’t supposed to touch. Now she can explore without me having a heart attack every five minutes.

Jared: The Kid Who Taught Me Everything I Know (The Hard Way)

Oh man, where do I even start with this kid? Jared is 8 now and he’s smart. Like scary smart. Which means he can out-argue me on pretty much everything and he KNOWS it.

The Negotiation Phase (Also Known as Hell)

Everything became a negotiation. EVERYTHING.

“Jared, time to brush teeth.” “Can I do it in five minutes?” “No, now.” “What about three minutes?” “Now means now.” “But what if I brush them extra good tomorrow?” “JARED. TEETH. NOW.” “You didn’t say please.”

I swear this kid missed his calling as a lawyer. He could argue his way out of anything and I was so tired of fighting about every little thing.

Then my friend Kate told me something genius: “Stop negotiating with terrorists.”

Wait, what?

“He’s learned that everything is up for debate because you keep debating. Some things aren’t negotiations.”

So I started using what she called the “broken record” method. “Time to brush teeth.” He argues. “Time to brush teeth.” More arguing. “Time to brush teeth.” Eventually he figured out I wasn’t budging and just went to brush his teeth.

Did I feel like a robot? Yes. Did it work? Also yes.

The Homework Disaster of 2024

Oh god, homework. If there’s a special place in hell, it’s helping your second-grader with math homework while trying to make dinner and prevent your toddler from eating the dog food.

Jared would sit at the kitchen table and suddenly become completely helpless. “I don’t understand! This is too hard! I can’t do it!”

And me, being the “helpful” mom, would sit next to him and basically do half the work while he whined and dragged it out for TWO HOURS.

Finally I snapped. “You know what? I already did second grade. This is YOUR homework.”

“But I need help!”

“Okay, when you actually try it and get stuck, I’ll help. But I’m not doing it for you.”

He sat there for twenty minutes doing nothing, testing to see if I’d cave. I folded laundry and ignored him. Finally he picked up his pencil and finished the whole thing in fifteen minutes.

FIFTEEN MINUTES. After two hours of drama.

Now homework is his responsibility. If he doesn’t do it, he deals with his teacher. If he needs actual help, I’ll give it. But I’m not sitting there holding his hand through problems I know he can do.

Meltdown Management (Still Learning This One)

Last week Jared had an epic breakdown because his friend couldn’t come over. Like full-on sobbing, throwing himself on the couch, “my life is RUINED” level drama.

Old me would have tried to fix it. “Well maybe he can come tomorrow! Or we can do something else fun! Want to call another friend?”

But I’ve learned that when kids are in full meltdown mode, logic doesn’t work. Their brain is basically flooded and they can’t think rationally.

So instead I just sat nearby and waited. Didn’t try to talk him out of it or minimize his feelings. Just… waited.

After about ten minutes of dramatic sobbing, he looked at me and said, “I’m really disappointed.”

“Yeah, I can see that. It’s hard when plans don’t work out.”

“Can we try calling him again tomorrow?”

“Sure, we can try that.”

And he was fine. He just needed to feel his feelings without me trying to make them go away.

The Stuff Nobody Warns You About

Your Kid Will Push Your Buttons Like It’s Their Job

Jared knows exactly what sets me off. He’s like a tiny scientist studying my reactions. “Hmm, when I leave my socks on the living room floor, mom gets that twitchy eye thing. FASCINATING.”

I used to think he did it on purpose to make me mad. Turns out he was just being a normal kid and I was taking it way too personally.

Now when I feel my blood pressure rising over something stupid like socks on the floor, I remind myself: he’s not doing this TO me, he’s just being 8. Eight-year-olds are not known for their organizational skills.

Other Parents Will Judge You (And That’s Their Problem)

At the playground last month, Jared got frustrated with another kid and yelled at him. This mom comes over and goes, “Excuse me, your son is being aggressive.”

Old me would have been mortified and over-apologized and made Jared apologize seventeen times.

New me said, “Yep, he’s learning how to handle frustration. Jared, come over here please.”

That mom gave me a look like I was raising a future serial killer. But you know what? Her kid was being a little jerk too, she just didn’t see it.

I can’t control what other people think of my parenting. I can only control how I respond to my own kids.

You’ll Mess Up. A Lot.

Last month I yelled at Jared for something that wasn’t even his fault. I was stressed about work, running late, and I took it out on him for being a normal kid who moves slowly in the morning.

He got this sad look on his face and said, “Sorry mommy.” And I felt like garbage.

So I apologized. “I’m sorry I yelled. I was feeling stressed and I took it out on you, and that wasn’t fair. You weren’t doing anything wrong.”

He hugged me and said, “It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes.”

Kids are way more forgiving than we give them credit for.

What Actually Works (Most of the Time)

Natural Consequences Are Magic

Instead of threatening punishments, I let life teach the lessons.

Jared doesn’t want to wear a jacket? Fine. He gets cold and remembers to bring it next time.

He forgets his lunch? He eats the school lunch (which he hates) and remembers his lunch box the next day.

He leaves his bike in the driveway and it gets rained on? Guess who has to clean and dry it off before riding again?

I don’t have to be the bad guy. Natural consequences do the teaching for me.

The Power of “Yes, After”

Instead of “No, you can’t watch TV,” I say “Yes, you can watch TV after you clean your room.”

Instead of “No more snacks,” I say “Yes, you can have a snack after you eat your dinner.”

Same boundary, but it doesn’t sound like I’m crushing his dreams.

Connection Before Correction

When Jared is being difficult, I try to connect with him first before jumping into problem-solving.

“You seem really frustrated right now.” “I AM! Nothing is going right!” “That sounds hard. Want to tell me about it?”

Usually once he feels heard, he’s more willing to listen to what I need from him.

My Epic Fails (Because I’m Human)

The Great iPad War of 2023

I read some article about how screens were destroying kids’ brains, so I went full crazy mom and basically banned all electronics.

Jared went from happy kid to obsessed screen monster overnight. ALL he could think about was when he could use the iPad next.

Turns out taking away something completely just makes kids want it more. Now we have reasonable limits and he’s way less screen-obsessed.

Bribing My Way Through Preschool

There was definitely a phase where I bribed Jared to do everything. Get dressed? Here’s a sticker. Eat breakfast? You can pick the music in the car. Use the potty? How about a piece of candy?

It worked short-term but created a monster. Everything became “What do I get if I do this?”

Breaking the bribery habit was HARD. But kids need to learn to do things because they’re the right thing to do, not because there’s a reward attached.

The Time I Lost It Over Cheerios

Jared spilled a bowl of Cheerios and my reaction was… not proportional. I yelled about being careful and making messes and how I just cleaned the floor.

He started crying and said, “It was an accident, mommy.”

And I realized I’d just screamed at a 6-year-old for having normal human motor skills.

I cleaned up the Cheerios, hugged him, and apologized. Sometimes parents have big feelings too, and that’s okay as long as we own it and do better next time.

Books That Actually Helped (Not Just Pretty Shelf Decorations)

I’m not usually a parenting book person because most of them make me feel like a failure. But a few actually helped:

“The Whole-Brain Child” explained why Jared’s brain basically short-circuits during meltdowns. It’s not because he’s bad or I’m a bad mom. It’s just how kid brains work.

“How to Talk So Kids Will Listen” gave me actual scripts for when I didn’t know what to say. Instead of “Stop being mean to your sister” I learned to say “I see two kids who need help solving a problem.”

“Hunt, Gather, Parent” made me realize that American parenting is kind of intense and maybe I didn’t need to turn every moment into a teaching opportunity.

What I’m Still Figuring Out

Maddie is getting more opinionated every day. Yesterday she had a full meltdown because I gave her the blue cup instead of the red cup. I can see the toddler attitude forming and I’m honestly a little scared.

Jared’s problems are getting more complex too. It’s not just about putting on shoes anymore. Now we’re dealing with friend drama, worries about school, and questions I don’t always know how to answer.

Some days I still feel like I’m winging it completely. Like when Jared asked me why some people are mean and I gave him some rambling answer about hurt people hurting others and he just stared at me like I was speaking gibberish.

But here’s what I know for sure: there’s no perfect way to do this. Every kid is different, every family is different, and what works for us might be a disaster for you.

The Real Deal About Discipline

At the end of the day, discipline isn’t about having kids who never mess up or challenge you. It’s about raising humans who can handle their emotions, solve problems, and be kind to others.

Some days Jared is amazing. He helps with Maddie, says please and thank you without being reminded, and makes me proud to be his mom.

Other days he argues about everything, treats me like I’m his personal servant, and makes me question all my life choices.

Both versions are my kid, and I love him through all of it.

Maddie is just starting to show her personality and I can already tell she’s going to be a handful. She’s determined, strong-willed, and has zero fear. She’s going to challenge me in completely different ways than Jared has.

But you know what? I’m not the same frazzled, anxious mom I was five years ago. I’ve learned to trust my gut, ask for help when I need it, and remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint.

The goal isn’t to get through childhood without any hard moments. The goal is to get through them together, with love and patience and probably a lot of coffee.

If you’re reading this because your kid is driving you crazy right now – if they’re having daily meltdowns or refusing to listen or just generally making you feel like you’re failing – please know you’re not alone.

We’re all just making it up as we go, one tantrum and one small victory at a time. And somehow, most of us turn out okay.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go figure out how to get peanut butter off my ceiling.