How do I be a better mother?

Every Kid is Completely Different (And That’s Terrifying)

When Jared was little, I thought I had this mom thing figured out. He was independent, loved his routines, and would happily entertain himself for hours building things or reading. I actually felt pretty confident about my parenting skills.

Then Maddie showed up.

Holy moly, this girl is NOTHING like her brother. She needs constant contact, hates being put down, and has completely different sleep needs. I remember the first week home from the hospital, trying all the techniques that worked with Jared, and Maddie was having none of it. I felt like a complete failure.

My mom finally said to me, “Honey, you’re not starting over. You’re starting NEW.” That hit differently. I wasn’t bad at being a mom – I just needed to learn how to be Maddie’s mom, which is totally different from being Jared’s mom.

I picked up this book called “The Whole-Brain Child” after my pediatrician recommended it, and honestly, it saved my sanity. It helped me understand that Jared’s meltdowns aren’t defiance – his brain literally can’t handle big emotions yet. Game changer.

Being Present is Harder Than It Sounds

You know what humbled me real quick? When Jared asked me why I was always on my phone. Ouch. I thought I was being present, but apparently scrolling through Instagram while he told me about his day doesn’t count. Who knew?

So I started what I call “phone in the drawer time.” When Jared gets home from school, my phone goes in the kitchen drawer for at least 15 minutes. Sometimes he wants to download his entire day immediately. Other times he just needs to decompress while I’m nearby doing nothing important.

The difference this made was incredible. He started telling me more about his friends, his worries, the funny thing that happened at lunch. Turns out kids need to know they have your full attention before they’ll give you the good stuff.

With Maddie, being present looks different but it’s just as important. During those 3am feedings when I’m absolutely exhausted, I try to really look at her little face instead of zoning out. She won’t be this tiny forever, and even though I’m tired, these quiet moments together are actually pretty magical.

Routines Save My Sanity (But Flexibility Saves My Soul)

I am not naturally an organized person. Like, at all. But having kids forced me to get my act together because chaos with children is just… too much chaos.

Our morning routine is pretty simple but it works. Jared knows the order: breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth, grab backpack. While he’s doing his thing, I can handle Maddie’s morning routine without feeling like I’m juggling flaming torches.

But here’s the thing about routines – they need to bend or they’ll break. Some mornings Maddie decides to have a meltdown right when we need to leave, and Jared takes forever to find his favorite shirt. On those days, we just roll with it. The routine serves us, not the other way around.

I got one of those big family wall calendars from Amazon, and it’s honestly been a lifesaver for keeping track of Jared’s school stuff and Maddie’s appointments. Plus there’s something satisfying about physically crossing things off.

Self-Care Feels Impossible But It’s Actually Essential

Can we talk about the guilt around self-care for a minute? Because it’s real. Every time I take a shower longer than 3 minutes or read a chapter of a book, there’s this voice in my head saying I should be doing something more productive or spending time with the kids.

But you know what? I learned the hard way that I can’t pour from an empty cup. There was a week where I was so depleted that I snapped at Jared over the smallest things and felt resentful about everything. That’s when I realized that taking care of myself isn’t selfish – it’s necessary for everyone in this house.

My self-care looks pretty basic these days. Sometimes it’s a hot shower while Jared watches a show and Maddie naps. Sometimes it’s reading a few pages while they play together. I also started taking walks with Maddie in the stroller while Jared rides his bike. Fresh air helps everyone’s mood, and I need the movement to feel human.

I had to buy a really good jogging stroller for this to work, and let me tell you, it was worth every penny. Exercise became my therapy, and the kids love being outside.

Perfect Mothers Don’t Exist (Thank God)

Instagram can really mess with your head as a mom. All those perfect playroom setups and organic snack arrangements make it seem like everyone else has this figured out. But here’s what those posts don’t show you: the tantrums, the sleepless nights, the days when you question every parenting decision you’ve ever made.

Last Tuesday, Jared had a complete breakdown in the cereal aisle at Kroger while Maddie was screaming in her car seat. I’m pretty sure every person in that store was judging me as I tried to calm down an overstimulated 8-year-old and a hangry baby. I wanted to disappear.

But later that night, after everyone had eaten and calmed down, Jared told me he was sorry for the store thing and that he knows I’m doing my best. That’s when it hit me – my kids don’t need a perfect mom. They need a mom who shows up, even on the hard days.

Talking to Kids is an Art Form

Communication with kids is so much more complex than I thought it would be. With Jared, I’ve learned that how I respond to him in the first few seconds of a conversation sets the tone for everything that follows.

When he comes to me upset about something, my instinct used to be to immediately try to fix it. But I’ve learned that he usually just needs me to listen first. Now when he’s frustrated about a friend or stressed about homework, I start with something like “That sounds really hard” or “I can see why you’d feel that way.” It’s amazing how much this simple change has improved our relationship.

With Maddie, obviously the communication is different, but it’s still communication. I talk to her all day long, narrating what we’re doing and responding to her cues. When she cries, I try to really listen to what she’s telling me instead of just trying to make it stop. This has helped me learn her different cries, which honestly makes everything easier.